“Callum, can you come to the lab?”
“You know I hate coming down there, Toby.”
“I think you might not hate this.”
“You’re not really selling it.”
The line has gone dead. Callum isn’t sure whether it’s another glitch in the communications, or simply Toby hanging up to ensure there was no further discussion. At least since the expansion was completed, Callum can now get the elevator directly to the lab, which makes it feel closer than it really is. As a way to distract him from the apprehension that comes with the brushed steel box accelerating, Callum tries to remember the last time Toby called him down rather than coming up to the island. Up generally means explanations and excuses, but down means progress. Or catastrophe. Callum hopes for the former. Whatever state Toby is in, he’s undoubtably elbow deep in it. The apprehension is in no way mitigated by the calm that greets Callum as he steps into the lab.
“Do you remember the rat problem?”
“And hello to you, Toby. I do indeed.”
“I’ve been trying to make them home.”
“Toby, it baffles me how rats even ended up in a laboratory on an undersea volcano, hundreds of miles from the nearest island. It vexes me that they have eluded every attempt at capture, and that even were we to succeed, we could not risk using them as subjects. I must confess to being utterly perplexed to hear that your solution is to make them comfortable.”
Toby stops and looks directly at Callum, for the first time since his arrival. His face goes from bewilderment, to calculation, and then to amusement. He walks excitedly towards a large lab table, in which is housed a rodent-sized maze, he beckons to his visitor as he sets off. It is at this point that Callum first notices the two rats Toby is carrying, one in each hand. They are not struggling, but it is not clear whether they are sedated or dead. Toby depresses a button on the labyrinth, and a door pops open on the top, with a hiss, and the two docile rats become immediately more animated and begin sniffing at the air. As they willingly enter the maze
“Hermetically sealed.”
“Of course. They seem to know their way around.”
“Then let’s try again, and this time I’ll completely change the maze.”
Toby hits another button on the table console, and the dividers in the labyrinth move in response. The two rats, which have been scratching at one corner of the table, immediately stop, and again begin sniffing, before practically falling over themselves to get to another corner.
“The changes are randomised?”
“Yes. They’ve never seen this iteration before.”
“Then how are they doing that?”
“They’re not really doing anything except use their instincts. You see, I’m not trying to make them feel at home. I’m trying to make them home. Like pigeons.”
“To what end?”
“Theirs, hopefully. the ASA says we can’t use live animals for testing.”
“But they’re no use to us dead either. And you avoided my question.”
“Well, we wanted rid of them. Killing them is no good because there’s always more of the buggers.”
“So how does it help bringing them here? And how did you do it?”
“Well that’s the thing you see, the answer to both problems is pheromones.”
“You’re hoping they’ll rut themselves to death?”
“Yes and no. I don’t really care whether they rut or not. Each to his own. Once they’re here, they go in my little ratty sanctuary over there and live out the rest of their days in peace.”
“You really are bored aren’t you?”
“I was, but I’m not now. I figured out how to combine releaser and primer pheromones. I lure them here with the cocktail, and it subsequently renders them infertile. It’ll take a while, but they’ll all find their way here eventually. No more rat problem, and I can study them in the mean time.”
“This is all fascinating stuff, Toby, but I’m not seeing why you had to drag me down me here for this. A quick call would have done it.”
“True enough. But that was just the overture.”
The lab is clean and organised, but full to the brim with bizarre instruments of designs that both intrigue and terrify Callum. He prides himself on understanding people, but Toby has somehow always remained a mystery to him. This also serves to intrigue and terrify, but Callum has long since been forced to acknowledge that there is no one else he would want doing this job.
* * *
“Absolutely not! It’s completely unethical. We’d be flayed should anyone ever discover it.”
“But it works so well! It would be the perfect solution!”
“I’m sorry, Callum, it’s a definite no. Come back when you’ve got something more humane.”
* * *
“Callum, do you remember the perfume?”
“Of course I do!”
“Do you still have it?”
“I refer you to my previous answer.”
“I think we may need it after all.”
